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Monday, 12 July 2010

this i promise you.

i am happy.

life is complicated. it's messy. it's full.

and yet, i am still so very very happy. i don't think that i've ever felt this content before.

*knock on wood

i hope it doesn't end because it has been amazing. i am so grateful - thank you God.

Wednesday, 02 June 2010

Currently
Bitter Sweet Symphony
By The Verve
see related
i'm a million different people from one day to the next

"if i was crying in the van, with my friend. it was for freedom from myself and from the land." -sufjan stevens

oh how i love sufjan. he is amazing. these two lines express how i feel in this current moment - freedom. it has been a rough six months in some ways, falling deeper into insecurities than i thought possible, blinded by the potential - failing to recognize the weight of the conversations upon my heart, my mind, my soul. consistently trying to stay above ground, and yet failing miserably. and then in one particular rough moment, where my anxieties and insecurities collided - i found myself free. crying, not in misery, but in joy of the weight lifted from my heart. oh there might have been pain, but it was the kind that was cause for rejoicing, for dancing in the streets. there were tears, but it was tears of freedom, of release, of closure. finally, thank you jesus.

"stones taught me to fly, love, it taught me to cry. so come on courage, teach me to be shy. 'cause its not hard to fall, and i don't want to scare him. it's not hard to fall, and i don't want to lose." -damien rice

and surprise, i find myself falling. not slowly, but rapidly. tumbling perhaps towards love, towards something deeper than i expected. and i find myself happy, able to appreciate the silly romance that dominates tween fiction. sending texts peppered with <3. belting every cliche song, with gusto, with emotion. and i'm scared. oh d. rice knows the truth, it's not hard to fall. and i don't want to scare him. most importantly, i don't want to lose. i'm so afraid, terrified of what could happen. i want to believe in happy endings - but is that even realistic?

oh dear - everything has changed so quickly. hope has filled my heart, and transformed my desires. the cold winter of massachusetts doesn't seem as appealing as the density and vibrancy of san francisco. confused, unsure but yet undauntingly, i pursue the future with my heart in my hands.

Sunday, 16 May 2010

_ _ _ _ _ _ says...

'your great but your not perfect'

'neither am i'

god, why am i so confused? it's not this complicated. it's quite simple. but it doesn't feel simple, that's the problem. i almost typed 'is it odd that i don't want to feel?' and then i deleted it. because i realize that feeling is one of the simplest ways to experience the unsurmountable pleasure that is involved in life. without the ability to feel, what more would i be than just matter, flesh, blood, bones? oh, my heart cringes at pain. at complications. at uncertainity. at fear.

but my heart cringes more at the absence of emotion. of touch. to feel my heart beat, my pulse throb, the slice of a knife, the hint of kiss. oh the absence of pain is not worth the absence of these things.

teach my heart to embrace pain. to know that the same place that births suffering, births love. and we as humans are bereft without them.

teach me to embrace hope in the face of despair, follow my instincts, and trust in your lead.

may you be a light to me in dark places, when all lights go out.

Saturday, 24 April 2010

persuaded by persuasion

brightness fills empty space.
in search of inspiration.

and so the journey continues, i've never been a patient person unfortunately. and so, it feels as if the months drag. and yet move by so rapidly. what an odd contradiction i suppose? i accepted clark university's offer, and will be attending grad school this fall. studying community development and planning. in massachusetts to be exact. i am excited. to study, to experience a new place. to see the beautiful colors of autumn. to meet new people and build new relationships. and yet, i am afraid. of being alone. of hurting others. of experiencing pain and suffering - without the support and love of my dear dear friends.

i checked out a medley of movies from the library. one in particularpersuasion. the story of regret, of love lost, and love regained. the rebirth of anne elliott into her own person, owning her choices, deciding her fate. through persuasion, i am persuaded that i am making the right decision, to pursue graduate studies, to head to the opposite coast. to embrace life, risk, and adventure.

cheers. and ... oh dear ...

Sunday, 28 March 2010

Currently
Fleet Foxes
By Fleet Foxes
see related
and i turn around, and there you go.

it's amazing, simply amazing.

i spent a week fixated on a response. iPhones do not help fixations or obsessions. checked my email by the second. called offices. talked. talked. talked. to friends, to families. through massive (and repeated) intervention(s) - finally learned to let go & trust that the answer will come in it's time. and then this past week, i got the answer. shock. awe. is this really happening to me?! excitement. my cup is brimming over: joy! can it really be? is it true? thank God! dreams are meant to come true. academic rigor. community development. land use planning. east coast. this will be my reality in t minus four months!

and then it hits.

waves of insecurity. assailed on all fronts. i've had two emotional outbursts in the span of three days. i'm trying to embrace this emotion as a release of stress, trying to unravel the knots in my heart. it all comes down to this: fear & insecurity. across the country - in my mind, it was novel. ideal. all the benefits seemed tangible: exploration, re-invention, understanding more than the californian mind. but the reality = fear. housing? community? friends? family? SNOW?! i love snow - but can i LIVE in it? finances!? from my college experience, i know these things are easily solved. but currently they seem larger than life.

and am i smart enough to compete on the playing field? there are students who've ran clean water programs in mozambique! students who are pursuing their second (or third) masters, students from harvard. and students straight from undergraduate. kids who i would sneer at because they haven't been in the 'real world'. but now, i realize that they're fresh on academic concepts. and then there's me. i haven't been in school for FIVE years. i'm smart, yes. but i haven't ran any clean water programs, jeez - i haven't even been to europe. while i've had intellectually rigorous conversations, i haven't had to cite any textbooks for five years. and anything less than a B+ is considered failing in grad school. *gulp* am i ready for this?

and now that the insecurity is alive, it feeds. its appetite is insatiable. not content with my perceived academic inferiority, it brings my heart onto the table. and nibbles on the edge. things that seemed well-founded, strong - now look shaky and unsure.

and yet, i am choosing into this. i see these fears and insecurities for what they are. lies. i know i will find housing, i will make friends, build community. i did it before in 2001, most of those relationships built the foundations for some of the best friendships i've ever had. i know financial aid will come through. and i'm smart. not in a condescending or prideful way. but in a truthful honest sense, i'm a smart girl and i can compete with the best of them. i realize that this is what i am called to, this is where i'm meant to go. it is scary. i will cry (repeatedly). but you will be there to show me the truth again and again.

fin.