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Tuesday, 02 February 2010

  • Currently
    Your Woman
    By White Town
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    but you always knew you held my heart.

    why did you play me this way.
    well i guess what they say is true.
    i could never be the right kind of girl for you.
    i could never be your woman.

    this song is amazing for breaking up. it captures all of that emotional angst. and the injustice (yes, the fucking injustice) that one feels post-break up. especially if you are the one that's being dumped. although, it might be confusing that i'm posting this. considering that i haven't been dumped. and that my last break up was almost a year ago. but i suppose this post stems from the fear of a break up. the fear of the pain & suffering & injustice (isn't that word coming up again & again?) that comes along with detaching yourself from another person. but my friend alice said, you must counter the lies with the truth. so here is some truth.

    tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. and that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity. every second of the search is an encounter with God, the boy told his heart. when i have been truly searching for my treasure, every day has been luminous, because I’ve known that every hour was a part of the dream that I would find it.

    if you have not read the alchemist, you should do it. i realize the Lord uses a couple of things to speak to me. one (obviously) is scripture. another is the ocean, and deep pockets of nature/beauty in expected (and unexpected) places. and there there is a star wars & lord of the rings. and up there on that list is the alchemist. so profound & beautiful. and it speaks such truth to my fearful heart.

    it breathes the truth into my heart, that i am on a journey. i am following my dreams & my heart is filled with such luminosity. it is almost exquisite how my heart feels when i understand the larger implications of placing one foot in front of the other. and the pursuit. it is not about a man. it is about calling. dreams. and seeing the world with beckoning hands vs placing up walls to shield my heart. how can i continue to live in this fear in the face of such deep inspiration to explore.

    and now i redefine 'you' and 'held' and 'heart'. and change the sentence structure. to reflect my trust & faith in to the places you are calling me to. and to let you know, that i hear your voice. and i hear your message. the lies are easy to believe. but i cannot deny myself the joy of the truth.

    you hold my heart in your hands. i know it is safe there. 

Sunday, 17 January 2010

  • Currently
    Careful Confessions
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    did i waste it? not so much i couldn't taste it. life should be fragrant...

    the time that i've taken.
    i pray is not wasted.
    ready & waiting...

    friday night conversation with the girls. the normal occurs: updates on love (or lack thereof), life, and the funny occurrences that happen in large groups. or when you add awkward, flirtatious, adventurous, and cautious together.
    stop.
    and then out of nowhere: alice bust out with something serious: i'm twenty-seven this year. and my goal, my desire is to live; to experience life in its fullness and abundance.
    ...
    it forced a bit of an ephiphany upon me. something that has been lurking underneath; on the fringes of my spirit. reevaluation of life. specifically, my life. i will twenty seven this year. damn, how did that happen? i feel as if i sped through the early twenties, a mixture of confusion, neurosis, depression. and some joy-filled experiences with lots of laughter, love, and full hearts mixed together.
    and now...
    i'm at twenty seven unexpectedly. friends are getting married. college acquaintances are having babies. building families, developing roots. and yet, i feel so rootless in my heart. i hunger, for travel, for adventure, for something different than the norm. i look for professional development, deconstructing the socioeconomic environment in which we live in. i want an all-encompassing love, the kind of love where you and your partner are not trapped in the mundanities of life ... but constantly seeking out new and different experiences to challenge, to grow, to experience love & life together. i daydream about traveling to greece, not for a honeymoon but for the hell of it. and in all of that, i want to continue to develop my friendships. for the first time in my life, i have friends that i've kept over the years. friends that i've built memories with, connections, forged in fire and conflict. i could list them ... but that seems silly. because they know who they are. and they're all over california (and one in particular that i can think of whose not in california. and she knows who she is too). and i love each of them so much. how is that possible? me, the friendship-commitment phobe? now, i have all these attachments. and i want to continue them as i build new relationships.

    as i listen, i hear the Lord. his voice telling me through friends, families, my spirit, and simply through him. that all paths are different. and my time was not wasted. Jesus didn't start ministry until thirty three. the Lord uses all things, he does not waste (unlike us americans who create much waste. i know that was a pretentious comment). so i know that as i enter into twenty seven. unmarried. single. without children. the path i am heading down, is good for my soul. and my spirit.

    this is me: letting go of my expectations. choosing to love fully. pursue deeply. and trust in obedience.

Sunday, 10 January 2010

  • Currently
    The Reminder
    By Feist
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    you are too young to put all of your hopes in this one envelope

    it's day 10 into 2010.
    twenty-ten.

    this year feels different, special. for the first time, i feel free to pursue my desires, my interests, my heart. i realize in the years past, there was nothing limiting me from pursuing my heart. except the self-imposed chains of fear. my own reluctance to embrace change, to combat the inertia of my heart. my desire for security, safety in the known. part of me wants to dissect each year, identify the feeling, diagnose the malaise i suffered. but i realize that each year built me up to this year. i can't regret the time i spent ... because it led me to this moment, this time, this place.

    here's to risk. to excitement. to potential heartbreak. to picking myself back up again. to potentially falling in love. and losing myself in love. to trusting in God. to his calling, and my obedience. to professional development. to leaving admin work. and working on substantial issues that compel and draw my heart. to moving. to self-discovery in whatever forms it comes in. to exploration, to following my heart. to living, and being alive. to being in the moment, and present to the sensations that i'm blessed to touch, taste, sense, feel, and breathe.

    to life. to friendships. to family. to the people, art, organisms, places, experiences, and everything else my mind can't list that make it all worth it.

    i'm scared. yes, i'm quite scared. but i've also feel so very very ready.

    twenty-ten. let's do this. :)

Friday, 18 December 2009

  • Currently
    Places Like This
    By Architecture in Helsinki
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    i'm completely baffled how this happened

    but damn if i don't feel happy.
    like the kind of happy where i just stepped into a patch of sunshine.
    or the kind of happy where i can belt out a song without a shred of self consciousness.
    ...
    my heart feels so light, i feel as if i could just float the day away.
    i'm not even completely sure what triggered it.
    the realization of a successful gmail switch-over.
    or finishing the major tasks this week.     accomplishment :)
    enjoying pride & prejudice & zombies. or honestly, just enjoying pride & prejudice.
    who doesn't love elizabeth & mr. darcy?
    realizing the empowerment of saying no.
    discussing zombies & were-wolves & the human psyche in absolute seriousness
    realizing how much i love my friends.
    ...
    or the knowledge that my body will rest this weekend.
    no plans to fly, drive, or move anywhere. other than down the stairs.
    and perhaps around the corner.

    i woke up in the worst mood possible. ugh. and his attitude wasn't helping.
    and damn if i don't feel like flying today.
    i'm not going to waste time questioning the reasons why.
    i just want to enjoy the ride for as long as it lasts ...

    theme song for today: my life had barely started when you jumped all over my heart. and now we're lazy ...

Monday, 14 December 2009

  • she's going to the chapel ...

    and she's going to get married.
    bernice got married yesterday.
    no longer bernice yau. she is now bernice hong.

    congratulations :) i am glad that i got to witness her & ricardo's happiness. such a gift!




    ...

    there is more brewing underneath the surface. i will let it come forth in due time. for now, i just want to enjoy God's orchestration of events. his timing is perfect.