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Monday, 07 December 2009

  • Currently
    Sweetest Thing '98, Pt. 2
    By U2
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    beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth

    round three: faith vs fear.

    'blue eyed boy meets brown eyed girl. oh, the sweetest thing. you could sow it up, but you still see the tear. oh, the sweetest thing. baby got blue skies up ahead. but in this i'm a rain cloud. ours is a stormy kind of love.'

    last night was perfect. absolutely perfect. i couldn't ask for more. i realize the frailty of the situation, the delicate balance. but at 26, i realize the brevity of these moments. so i seize it & own it. and let it pass. i spent a majority of my life attempting to grasp, contain, maintain moments. so now, i am being taught to live in the moment. such a simple yet difficult task: to be present to life. to the joy/sorrows it offers.

    'i want to tell you, how much i love you.'

    today felt like a slug to the chest. an odd juxtaposition to the dreamy quality of last night: today felt gritty, harsh. context: my best friend has my heart. & as i have witnessed many co-dependent relationships: i am most grateful that our relationship is not determined by our dependence upon each other or the desire to possess one another. we've weathered so many storms. from personal setbacks to overarching interpersonal differences, we've worked to build a friendship based on a firm foundation. which is why today felt so hard. we had a couple of conflicts today. one felt fairly minor. the other felt larger, fairly epic.

    came home in defeat. succumbing to the fear: that last night was a pipe dream, that i would have to choose between my best friend & something i feel compelled to pursue.

    and in the most surprising place, i found support & understanding. someone who pointed out the love it took for her to speak honestly. and who helped me to see faith in the face of fear. to embrace. and most importantly, to love. not for my sake, or for her sake. but because we are called, compelled to love one another. i realize it isn't a choice between my friendship or what i need to pursue. it isn't about my own hurt feelings. it's about the intent. the love that is evident. how the Lord has blessed me to be surrounded by people who love me. my best friend loves me enough to speak truth. and in the most surprising place, there is love to support & help me see that.
     
    '525,600 minutes. how do you measure a year in the life? how about love? measure in love, seasons of love.'

    left today a champion: 'this is the story of champion, runners & the mark & they pop the gun. stand up, stand up. here she comes, tell me what it takes to be number one.'

    thanks God for conflict, trust, intent, faith, & showing me love in the most unexpected places.

Friday, 13 November 2009

  • decision paralysis.

    i hate decision paralysis. it comes at the worst moments. i agonize over something so simple, so small. i don't know when this happened. when i started making simple things into complicated ones. small into large. in my heart, i know i'm so afraid of making the wrong decision.

    in another life, i remember making decisions with ease. yes. or no. it was quite simple. and if it didn't work out, then it just wasn't meant to work out.

    perhaps my decision paralysis hearkens back to 2005, the year where i believed that if i had made a different decision, life would have turned out differently. i don't know if by different, i mean better per se. but different as in that decision would have brought resolution. now it's x years later, and i still feel unresolved about that particular point.

    so now, i agonize. my stomach cramps. i debate the pros and cons in my mind until i'm not sure which one i should chose. i ask for advice. i mull over the advice. deconstruct the person giving advice. until i'm left with empty words, meaningless. one decision takes over my day. i think about it, obssess over it. work falls by the wayside because i'm thinking, thinking, thinking. at least most times it's an internal process.

    resolution: to break free of decision paralysis. which is always harder to do than to write. Lord, i need freedom to make decisions.





Thursday, 22 October 2009

  • Currently
    The Sea Of Monsters (Percy Jackson and the Olympians)
    By Rick Riordan
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    life = God

    i keep trying to plan. for life. for things. for me. it's like i'm trying to make a square. but everytime i think i'm finished ... one of the lines shifts. or bulges. or contracts. and then it's no longer a square. it's something else. normative emotion would be frustration. but i don't feel that. i just feel unsure. i doubt myself. i think perhaps i should not have tried to make the square. maybe it should have been a hexagon. or a circle. or maybe it wanted to be triangle.

    i think i am trying to make things fit. perfectly. i want clean, crisp, concise lines. no squiggles. or dotted. or dashes. no almost, or maybes. i just want lines. but life doesn't work that way. life isn't meant to built on concise lines that stay in formation. life was meant to be messy. life was meant to be enjoyed.

    i suppose this doesn't mean i stop planning. but i believe it's a call for me to let go. to hold things loosely. to love with expectation. and to trust that God is moving, speaking, shaping, deciding. that life is flexible, mutable, a changeling in short. life was not meant to be tied down.

    i didn't mean to describe life in this post. but it just came out. but it was necessary. it places that desire in my heart to live life aware, in fullness of God's presence, in enjoyment of who he is, and in wonderment of his gifts to us.

    praise God. not because he gives us good things. but because he is wondrous.

    p.s. i hope i never stop appreciating children's literature. and quests. they are amazing. i am grateful for them. part of me hopes that heaven will provide me the chance to go on a quest.

Monday, 05 October 2009

  • Currently
    Places Like This
    By Architecture in Helsinki
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    wonderwall(s)

    there are many things that i would like to say to you.
    but i don't know how.
    and maybe, you're going to be the one that saves me.
    'cause after all, you're my wonderwall.

    i hate repetition. but:

    there are many things i would like to say.
    but i don't know how.

    words are such a final thing, static.
    once it comes out, you can't take it back.
    you can re-form, re-shape, review, re-vision, re-visit
    but you can't take it back.

    p.s. my family makes me smile. that is nice. as i veer into melodrama - it is nice to smile, laugh, and experience joy in simplicity.

    pp.s i just need to believe everything happens for a reason. i need to hold on to the truth. such a slippery thing, my grasp.



Saturday, 19 September 2009

  • Currently
    Mrs. Dalloway
    By Virginia Woolf
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    a room with a view

    things always seem better in my head. love is a bit sweeter. pain a bit duller. exciting adventures, windswept stories.

    i am reading mrs. dalloway. the first novel that splits the atom, as michael cunningham wrote on the back cover. i do enjoy it. that being said with a certain sense of wistfulness. i'm not sure why i am so wistful, i realize that in most cases i'm in the prime of my life. i'm only 26, there's still so much in front. and yet, this novel makes me feel a bit dated. it makes me miss the innocence of my youth, the belief in love, hope, faith - the ease in which i could say and actually believe that all things are possible. i also find myself focusing on my thoughts, my mind. oh, i suppose i feel like mrs. dalloway.

    people ask, how are you? what have you been up to? and i say the tangible, the fixed things. i've been searching for a job. or i went to the library. i went to the store. things that have no meaning in my heart, but it's something simple. something concrete. easy to be understood. to understand. i can't imagine a conversation where i tell someone: today, i went to new york. it was everything i wanted it to be. seeing the statue of liberty was my favorite part. or i went to greece with my love, it was beautiful. the mediterranean is amazing, everyone should visit. it would be simply ludicrous. i mean, i didn't go to new york. or greece. and i don't have 'a love'. but perhaps, that is why i love mrs. dalloway. and lisa hannigan's 'i don't know' there's something about the imagination of what it could be like, what it must be like that's almost sweeter than the real thing.

    almost.

    i have decided that i want to live. i want to do what my heart dreams of. i want to experience new york. maybe the statue of liberty won't be my favorite part. i do want to go to greece. the 'love' part is negotiable. i'd settle for a best friend or two if they'd have me.

    but.

    i am action oriented. someone who makes it happen. right now, i'm content to dream. and let the Lord take me as he will. and i say this, not to deflect off of my responsibility to make my dreams happen. but to acknowledge the sovereignty of God. his will. and the gift of dreams.

    p.s. i reorganized and cleaned out my childhood room. it is far simpler. and has a view. success!