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Thursday, 22 October 2009

  • Currently
    The Sea Of Monsters (Percy Jackson and the Olympians)
    By Rick Riordan
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    life = God

    i keep trying to plan. for life. for things. for me. it's like i'm trying to make a square. but everytime i think i'm finished ... one of the lines shifts. or bulges. or contracts. and then it's no longer a square. it's something else. normative emotion would be frustration. but i don't feel that. i just feel unsure. i doubt myself. i think perhaps i should not have tried to make the square. maybe it should have been a hexagon. or a circle. or maybe it wanted to be triangle.

    i think i am trying to make things fit. perfectly. i want clean, crisp, concise lines. no squiggles. or dotted. or dashes. no almost, or maybes. i just want lines. but life doesn't work that way. life isn't meant to built on concise lines that stay in formation. life was meant to be messy. life was meant to be enjoyed.

    i suppose this doesn't mean i stop planning. but i believe it's a call for me to let go. to hold things loosely. to love with expectation. and to trust that God is moving, speaking, shaping, deciding. that life is flexible, mutable, a changeling in short. life was not meant to be tied down.

    i didn't mean to describe life in this post. but it just came out. but it was necessary. it places that desire in my heart to live life aware, in fullness of God's presence, in enjoyment of who he is, and in wonderment of his gifts to us.

    praise God. not because he gives us good things. but because he is wondrous.

    p.s. i hope i never stop appreciating children's literature. and quests. they are amazing. i am grateful for them. part of me hopes that heaven will provide me the chance to go on a quest.

Monday, 05 October 2009

  • Currently
    Places Like This
    By Architecture in Helsinki
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    wonderwall(s)

    there are many things that i would like to say to you.
    but i don't know how.
    and maybe, you're going to be the one that saves me.
    'cause after all, you're my wonderwall.

    i hate repetition. but:

    there are many things i would like to say.
    but i don't know how.

    words are such a final thing, static.
    once it comes out, you can't take it back.
    you can re-form, re-shape, review, re-vision, re-visit
    but you can't take it back.

    p.s. my family makes me smile. that is nice. as i veer into melodrama - it is nice to smile, laugh, and experience joy in simplicity.

    pp.s i just need to believe everything happens for a reason. i need to hold on to the truth. such a slippery thing, my grasp.



Saturday, 19 September 2009

  • Currently
    Mrs. Dalloway
    By Virginia Woolf
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    a room with a view

    things always seem better in my head. love is a bit sweeter. pain a bit duller. exciting adventures, windswept stories.

    i am reading mrs. dalloway. the first novel that splits the atom, as michael cunningham wrote on the back cover. i do enjoy it. that being said with a certain sense of wistfulness. i'm not sure why i am so wistful, i realize that in most cases i'm in the prime of my life. i'm only 26, there's still so much in front. and yet, this novel makes me feel a bit dated. it makes me miss the innocence of my youth, the belief in love, hope, faith - the ease in which i could say and actually believe that all things are possible. i also find myself focusing on my thoughts, my mind. oh, i suppose i feel like mrs. dalloway.

    people ask, how are you? what have you been up to? and i say the tangible, the fixed things. i've been searching for a job. or i went to the library. i went to the store. things that have no meaning in my heart, but it's something simple. something concrete. easy to be understood. to understand. i can't imagine a conversation where i tell someone: today, i went to new york. it was everything i wanted it to be. seeing the statue of liberty was my favorite part. or i went to greece with my love, it was beautiful. the mediterranean is amazing, everyone should visit. it would be simply ludicrous. i mean, i didn't go to new york. or greece. and i don't have 'a love'. but perhaps, that is why i love mrs. dalloway. and lisa hannigan's 'i don't know' there's something about the imagination of what it could be like, what it must be like that's almost sweeter than the real thing.

    almost.

    i have decided that i want to live. i want to do what my heart dreams of. i want to experience new york. maybe the statue of liberty won't be my favorite part. i do want to go to greece. the 'love' part is negotiable. i'd settle for a best friend or two if they'd have me.

    but.

    i am action oriented. someone who makes it happen. right now, i'm content to dream. and let the Lord take me as he will. and i say this, not to deflect off of my responsibility to make my dreams happen. but to acknowledge the sovereignty of God. his will. and the gift of dreams.

    p.s. i reorganized and cleaned out my childhood room. it is far simpler. and has a view. success!

Monday, 31 August 2009

  • how's it lookin'?

    mi madre y mi hermana son hablando sobre sus viaje.

    my sister is 'is all about a safety net'. in regards to traveling. perhaps in regards to life. we are so very opposite. i don't know if i understand the meaning of 'safety net'. at times we clash. in my heart, it is epic. in reality, not so much. in the end, we find compromise and create peace. mostly because we love each other. and because through friendships like robyn, i realize the level of sin in my heart. i attempt to owe it. and be aware of how it distorts my relationship with her. i am excited to live with her. as we are opposites, we can learn, grow, and develop from each other. i want to challenge my heart to accept a posture of learning and to love.

    in other news: i went to tahoe this past weekend. i think from 2005 onward, a part of my heart will always reside there. it's odd to write that because in 2006, i was only in tahoe for a weekend. but that weekend had such an affect on my heart. i think my heart has had a love affair with tahoe from that moment on. and i find myself taking mini excusions up there in and out of the years. in any case, i finally went to emerald bay. it was striking. insert picture here:  



    in any case, the water was icy. and refreshing. and i realized on this trip that i would rather be hated for saying the truth. then loved spreading lies. so, thank you tahoe. for beauty. and ephipanies.

    now i am in sacramento, a place i haven't lived since i was eighteen. it's a bit weird (and scary) being back home. things feel the same, and yet different. the alarm code punched in every night = different. the heat = same. my tolerance level = different. and i feel different. older. free. from geographical limits. political aspirations. my heart. i am free to follow my God, my truth, my heart. wherever it leads, i feel able to follow. self imposed limits feel to be a thing of the past. the feeling in my heart feel similar to jumping into water in emerald bay:

    no fear. just expectant and ready.

Monday, 10 August 2009

  • Currently
    Hits
    By Phil Collins
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    i finished it off with some french wine and cheese

    ah, my heart aches when i listen to damien rice. is it weird that this man sings songs that know me intimately? every mood, every nuance in my soul i can point to a d. rice song that explains it that much clearer. i've seen him every time he's come to the bay area except once. and each time feels special, deep, meaningful*
    ...
    i'm 26 yrs old. 4 yrs from 30. at 16, i stopped having visions of where i was suppose to be. at that age, i was suppose to be living the life of a girl from sweet valley high. nice cars, beautiful yet insecure, boys behind lockers, cheering on the football team. high school wasn't exactly like that. it wasn't painful ... i enjoyed it. but i wasn't down with the cheer squad, boys felt painfully immature at my school, driving wasn't an option, and i was decent ... but not beautiful. so at that point, i was done w/ idealized view of what i was suppose to be doing at a certain age. and sweet valley high ended up in my trash can. at least i can say i moved on to better literature :)

    so, i have no expectations of 26 per se. but i feel defeated in some aspects. even w/out expectations, life is not turning out the way i expected it. i can't help but to be vague and cryptic in some aspects ... but i just imagined things differently. i wish i could understand this puzzle called life ... i wish i could know which turns to navigate, where to stop, and where to go. i wish i could get a glimpse of the finish line. *sigh, my heart, my body craves for something different, something out of the ordinary. something transcendent, something breathtaking, something that last longer than my hope. which is teetering towards the edge of non-exsistent.

    contrast:

    i also feel this odd sense of: things are looking up, i've been looking the landscape over and it's covered with four leaf clovers. i don't know if it's delusion or God ... but there's a part of my spirit that feels things are changing for the better.

    my birthday resolution: to let go. i keep my hands clenched so tight. i am so afraid to let go, i am afraid that if i let go, you will leave. but as i type: there are clear examples. of change, transformation, and deepening. evolution into something different. but good. and there are examples of things that have left ... but have made me better for it. so i want to let go. i need to let go. i am letting go.

    God, i am so grateful. for my family. for my friendships. for my social safety net. :) for you. even when i am unfaithful, you cannot be. you are faithful to me. i am so grateful for you. you piece together the impossible. and bring peace. calm my heart. renew my spirit. forgive my mistrust.

    twist:
    i got an iphone :) for all the haters: yadda yadda yadda. for all who congratulate: :hearts: x 20 :)